Snake Oil? This Is Banana Oil.


Everything I thought would be stupid and wrong about a Trump presidency is coming true before he even actually takes the oath.

Companies figured out how to beat him.

Trump is a not really a great business man, he’s only a great promoter. This is fucking crystal clear in the Carrier/United Technologies deal. He didn’t do some revolutionary thing, he just did the same shitty deals that governments have been doing for years, and he’s really flexing his cock about the 1,000 jobs he “saved” but being pretty quiet about the 1,000 more that are still leaving and the fact that Carrier got a bunch of incentives to stick around. Before he even spends one second in office, companies already figured out how to beat him and get him to cave.

I mean, this isn’t debatable.  His first big touting is a sham. But whatever.

Bigotry and racism will come out of the woodwork.

Fuck, do I even need to write about this? Half is cabinet are on record with inflammatory remarks. Before he even spends one second in office, we’ve already seen our country take ten steps back in the equality column.

He’s not going to drain the swamp, but he is going to raw dog you in the ass.

The only people on his cabinet who aren’t playing old school Hollywood baseball are racists.

He’s considering Sarah Palin and Rudy Guiliani for positions, and even his old pal Newt Gingrich, who’s picture is in the fucking dictionary if you look up “Washington Insider”. If he were anymore inside Washington, you could find it on Porn Hub.

He’s putting a bunch of yes men and con artists into important positions and it’s going to be bad.

You won’t have protected freedoms, you could actually have less freedom.

While everyone was concerned for eight years about Obama declaring martial law and taking away guns, we dramatically expanded the freedoms and rights in our country and more guns were sold than ever before. That is factual. You can try to dispute it, but that will show everyone you are the King of the Dip Shits.

Meanwhile, before he spends a second in office, Trump is already talking about repealing the rights recently afforded to American citizens, he’s talking about banning freedom of speech and he’s talking about banning parts of the internet. He recklessly tweets about newspapers and entertainment shows not being fair and that they should really be nice to him or be shut down.  In other words, before he can even move into the White House he’s already, on multiple and document occasions, championed the limitation of the rights and freedoms of Americans. But what the fuck do I know, amiright?

It’s just another con job, but I haven’t figured out how he’ll truly profit.

Every single thing he’s done his whole life is about growing his brand and turning a profit, with no regard to who he shits or steps on in the process. That’s all.  I’m right about this but I just don’t know how he’ll do it yet.

Waiting with baited breathe to find out, though!







No Bitching


In the next four years, a lot of things are going to happen and I want you to remember the choice you make on Tuesday.

I want you to know if you vote for Hillary Clinton, you are voting for the establishment. You are voting for social programs. You are voting for, if not corruption, the air of corruption. You are voting for a woman’s right to choose. You are voting for the backroom deal. For pay to play. For someone who is really, really good at being a politician. Your vote is counting towards a person who doesn’t understand or thinks she is above the law when it comes to protecting information. For someone who may still go down for something in this email scandal. You are also voting for the status quo, and while there are some things that are really bad, overall our country is splendid.

I want you to know that if you vote for Donald Trump, you are voting for bigotry and rape culture. You are casting a vote for someone who belittles the less fortunate. A man who maybe sexually assaulted kid. A man who did sexually assault his wife, which she testified to, under oath. You’re voting for a shitty business man, and putting a snake oil salesman into the highest office of the land. You are voting for racial tension, and better contracts and deals with foreign countries if they can look past the leader of our country’s bigotry. It’s a vote for fraud; a vote for the big guy. It’s a vote that will open the door to limited freedoms and more violence. It’s also a vote for our own brand of extreme religion. I do not think it is a vote for less government.

The point I’m trying to make is that neither of these candidates is ideal, or even good. But the majority of you will vote for one of them, and when you do, you don’t get to bitch about it later.

You don’t get to bitch about too many social programs, or the high cost of health care, or the shitty deals we make with other counties.  If you aren’t happy with your candidate after the fact, you don’t get to complain. If she goes down for emails, you have to be okay with it. If she fails because it turns out she’s not that great, tough shit.

You don’t get to complain about a half built wall, trillions of wasted dollars on pipe dreams and half-truths. When crime rises because the separation of middle, upper and lower class becomes only the elite and the have-nots, you gotta’ take it.

When a lopsided supreme court limits your personal freedoms or your societal freedoms, you don’t get to complain. In fact, if you do complain about that there may be consequences, regardless of who is put into the judgeship(s).

Clinton and Trump are two sides of the same coin, and if you put either in office you are voting for the most wretched hive of scum and villainy since Mos Eisley. Think about that when I beat the rap.


Best Conspiracy Theories Vol. 1

Even you can own one of these beauties.  In fact, link below to buy, if you are into it.

One of my favorite past times is listening to people tell me about some conspiracy theory about either our government or country, i.e., how full of shit they are. Here’s some of my favorites that I’ve heard this year.

Marshal Law By Christmas/Corporate Takeover

Last year my brother told me about a theory that all of the corporations of the US were planning to help the government institute marshal law before Christmas. That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

I actually get the privilege to work with several of the top 500 companies in the US. And do you know what they all have in common? Sell more shit. How are they going to sell more shit if all of their customers are stuck at home? No, for real. Why would any company that depends on a store front, which is the majority of all companies in the US, want to limit the hours that customers could be in their store? Dumb Dumb Dumb.

If companies wanted to really take over, they would just give government officials more campaign money. This is such a dumb theory.

Obama Wants to Be King

I read multiple articles and had several people tell me that Barack Obama’s goal is to be king of America and he will be king by Christmas. (This was last fall, again).

That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. He’s already the President. I’d be more afraid of Hillary becoming Queen than Obama becoming King. Plus, have you not paid attention to every other country other than North Korea? Kings are figureheads. None of them have any real power.

This is doubly stupid because when this rumor was floating around the most Republicans had a majority of the Senate and the House. No doubt this was a right winged conspiracy – meaning your own party would have to get with King Obama to make him…king. This is such a dumb theory.

Takin’ Our Guns

Every day I hear a new theory that the government is coming to take our guns. This seems pretty simple to me, but if you have the guns, then don’t let them get taken. End of the conversation.  What a stupid theory. Plus, the NRA is the biggest of the lobbyists, and that money goes away without guns. Politicians don’t want that money to go away. This is such a dumb theory.

Trump Is Actually a Democrat Helping Hillary Win

This may actually be true.

Obama Can Control the Weather

If he could actually control the weather, don’t you think he’s ditch the White House and make, literally, all of the money ever?  Just charge countries whatever you want to make it either grow or snow. FFS, this is the stupidest fucking theory I’ve ever heard, ever.

The Earth Is Flat

You dummies.  You simpletons. If you believe the Earth is flat, you are straight dumb. First of all, I’ve used a telescope to look at all the other planets, including our sun and moon, and guess what smart guys, they are all circles. In fact, every star, planet and moon pretty much everywhere is a sphere. I’ve also been up really high in a plane before and you can see the curve if you get high enough. Plus, explain mountains, mother fucker. If I go up in the mountains, and then come out of the mountains, I can’t just see forever until I see more mountains.  Even with a giant pair of binoculars. The same thing happens from the Sears Tower looking out of the lake. You can’t see the other side of the lake. That’s because it’s around the bend. Meanwhile, the best argument I’ve heard for a flat earth is that if I researched it I would understand.

Guess what, I don’t need to research it because I’m not a fucking idiot.

These were some of my favorite conspiracy theories I’ve heard lately.  If this is well received, I’ll debunk more of them by belittling the competition and using opinions instead of fact to smartly position my bias.

 Photo Note: Not sure you can buy these here, but this is where I found them.  I actually think it’s funny and if you can buy one from them it would make me laugh twice. Once because the hats are silly and twice because a sucker is born every minute. 

Hey. Butthead.


We’re all ginned up about this election and the shit choices we’ve been offered (read: picked). And why not? We’ve got a narcissistic liar with a closet full of skeletons on one side and a narcissistic liar with a closet full of skeletons on the other.

So what’s really important?  Is the president important?  Sort of. They can do some things. Recommend judges. Flex their muscles with executive decrees. Veto or threaten to veto bills. So it’s pretty important. But, really a president only gets about 20-25% of their big platform issues pushed through so while everyone’s worried about Trump accidentally launching nukes or groping our wives and daughters, and Hillary taking all our guns or opening up abortion super stores (thanks, Onion), in reality neither one is going to get a bunch of stuff pushed through. It just doesn’t work that way because we have checks and balance.

Continue reading “Hey. Butthead.”

Unsure Who To Vote For? Do This…

So many scales to consider.

So I was sitting in a pickup truck outside a Catholic church today, which if you know me at all is kind of a fucking random place for me (well, slightly more random than normal), but I was there for a good cause: bullshitting with my parents about the travesty that is our 2016 presidential election.

My folks are pretty open minded, but they life in western Iowa and there’s a lot of doom and gloom feeling that comes with living over there because there’s a lot of not open minded people who dwell in negativity and propagate opinions based on opinion and not facts. This is all set up which lead to, almost accidentally, me saying the real scare for me in this election is the Supreme Court justices.

With a republican congress and a republican president, we’re almost guaranteed that the outcome of the election is a huge swing in who has majority on the court. And if we get a 8-2 or 7-3 majority of fomenters (I think that’s a word) of extremist conservative demagoguery, then we’re pretty much fucked.

Basically, if you are a woman, or a gay, or a transgender, or a Mexican, or an African American, or a Muslim, or someone who recreationally uses drugs, or someone who likes Game of Thrones, or someone who likes to look at a titty online now and again without getting bleach thrown in your eyes, then you need to make sure we have some sort of balance after the dust settles from this shit storm, and I think I cracked the case on how to do it.

Continue reading “Unsure Who To Vote For? Do This…”

Is Trump Shaving Points?


Donald Trump and his butthole mouth have been on an epic failure tour this week, even by his standards, and it’s pretty obvious he’s shaving points. No need for foreplay, let’s cut right to the chase:

Each of these things is even par for the course of his campaign, but the fact they keep happening at all, at the clip they are, is a lot like a college kid tanking free throws, or a boxer ducking punches. Trump is clearly on the take.

No real candidate would hire the pieces of shit he’s hires to run his campaign. He cycles through incompetent campaign managers the way McDonalds cycles through your digestive track (rapidly, in case you didn’t catch my diarrhea pun).

We’ve seen this before. We saw it in Major League, when Rachel Phelps put together a cast of shitty players to get the team to move only to have them win. We saw it with Scooby Doo cartoons when the kids would screw everything up but somehow catch the guys in the end. And we saw it with The Simpsons when Lisa and Burns go into business and oh my god Trump is going to win this fucking election, isn’t he?

Sick-Ass Banner Pic Contest


Clearly, my expert Photoshopping skills are rudimentary at best, much like Trump’s run for president or Clinton’s secure server or Jack Soria’s strikeout to blown save ratio.

So I need some help making a kick ass banner pick. Above is an even rudimentary-er hand drawn pencil sketch. Again, clearly I suck at pencil.

I’m going for a real nice close up of a baseball, with a picture of our elephant and donkey except they each have their head up their ass.  As you can see from above, my donkey looks like a Loch Ness Giraffe and my elephant looks like a shitty comb.

There’s no prize other than I’ll post them all and use the best one forever or until I get sick of it.

Dimensions, I believe, need to be 1440 x 600 pixels.

You can submit them by emailing or by posting them on the Facebook page which is

Be sure to follow on Twitter too @643politics.  Or don’t.  I’d say I don’t care, because I typically don’t, but I actually want you to read this shit to the point I get enough advertising revenue that I can just sit home all day entertaining you assholes and write about baseball.  And politics.

Send me some sketches.  Don’t play coy.

Oh yeah, and Cubs will find a way.

To lose.