We Don’t Need Abortion Police

I’m surprised in 2017 we still have to have this debate but fucking here we are, still having this god damn debate.
We’re never going to solve the abortion riddle until we start arguing the same thing.
Pro-choice people aren’t arguing for the right to have an abortion so they can open up abortion malls or factories or abortion marts or abortion convenience stores or abortion flea markets or abortion thrift stores or abortion drive-ins. All they want is for conservatives to keep their dicks and religion out of their business.
It’s not about having an abortion. It’s about having the right to chose whether or not they can have one.
Pro Tip: If you don’t want to have a fucking abortion, then don’t get a fucking abortion.
You don’t need to legislate it and force religious beliefs that are made up anyway onto people. A better solution would be to trust in your fellow humans that they won’t have one and, by all means, help those struggling with decisions to choose life if you are so compelled.
I’m sick and fucking tired of a bunch of old white dudes sticking their dicks into the business of women and thinking they know more about a woman’s reproductive rights than women do. And I’m basically a fucking old white dude.  I’m mean I’m very close to Mike Leach territory.  (“I’m a man! I’m 40).
Instead of wasting all the fucking resources to ban abortions and jeopardize the safety of women, maybe sink money into actual family planning services and education. Because believe it or not abortions are lower now than ANY TIME IN THE LAST 40 YEARS. And unlike all you fucking flat earth idiots who, when asked for proof, tend to say “look it up” or “you could find the truth if you wanted to”, I’m going to put a links here, effectively doing the research for you:
Here’s a link if you want state data from 2009 – 2013.  You can download the excel and slice the shit out of it you fucking Excel wizard: https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/data_stats/abortion.htm
Clearly we’ve been doing something right. You get more flies with sugar than shit.
That’s all I got.  Good luck, babies.
Also, I tagged the Mets in here because it’s a story about abortions and I didn’t want them to feel left out.

On Ditching The Department of Education

Well, thanks to Mike Pence and every republican senator who received a generous donation from Betsy DeVos, that same Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.

This is stupid. She has no business being in charge of our nation’s education. But I don’t disagree with all of her ideas. I’ve come to realize my anger isn’t really with Betsy DeVos or even Mike Pence or Trump, but when it comes to education in America, the whole philosophy is off the mark for the 21st century and that is where my disdain lies.

The need for a Department of Education as we know it has sailed, in my opinion. Here’s my simple plan for unfucking our education system and getting America smart again. Yes I know that’s a very Trump thing to say but clearly we are spiraling towards a level of unheard of dumbfuckery. It’s not to late.  Let’s get started.

  1. Eliminate the Department of Education as we know it today.
  2. Immediately form a council comprised of one republican senator and one democratic senator passionate about education, and four nominated and elected teachers. There needs to be a teacher with three years of tenure, one with seven years, one with fifteen years and one with twenty years. This puts a good sampling on the council. You can only serve once. What is their role? To oversee the distribution of tax dollars to the states, and manage an audit, and that’s about it. (Not a lot more than what they do today.)
    • All tax monies collected by the federal government are deposited into an escrow. 75% of the collected annual revenue is distributed back to the states based on population. 25% of the annual revenue is then split by need to the bottom 25% of states based on population. This isn’t ideal, but we could certainly have someone smarter than me at math create a better split.  To me, population is the key.  A state like New York or California should get more money than Iowa but Iowa should still get a shot at some extra scratch to make it happen.
    • The council’s only real job is to ensure two things. That money is handled appropriately and states are following the audit parameters. Oh, and that church and state do not mix.
  3. The government will contract a third party company to audit the states’ use of funds. Any state that fails to submit the audit or fails the audit according to process or content is ineligible for funds the following year until the prior year audit is met.
    • Private companies will bid on this process via RFP and will be awarded a four year contract.
    • RFP Answers will be posted in full on a simple website. Selection of the winning company will be voted on during the presidential election.
    • There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be worked out on this, but people do RFPs all the time. We can iron out the kinks to make this happen.
  4. Part of the audit will be funds management, but a second part of it will be a standardized test. Criteria for these tests is below, and it will only make up about 25% of the criteria.
  5. All decisions on how federal money is spent becomes the obligation of the states, within the wide parameters of the audit criteria. Basically, you can’t spend it on a bunch of religion, etc. It needs to be with the intent of providing a quality general education to all children.
  6. Any piece of standardization becomes the obligation of the states, but states can work together to create this standardization. The main focus needs to be on true understanding and not rote, as you’ll read on below.

That’s pretty much it. There needs to be some oversight on the funds and an eye on the general process.  A budget for audits and third party fees needs to be determined ahead of time, and that’s what the government pays. Fair pay for job well done. This stuff happens all the time in the business world and it’s time to eliminate the bureaucracy and efficiently make changes to our education system.

So why give the money and the power to the states?  That’s easy. What works for Baton Rouge won’t work for Defiance, Iowa. Contrary to popular theory, I have pretty strong feelings that most teachers care about their jobs and want to educate kids to the best of their ability. Who knows better what the kids in the classrooms need than the people in the classrooms. It’s well documented and inarguable at this point that people learn at different rates and with different styles. Teachers need the flexibility and the funding to adjust to the nuances of their classroom year to year. That doesn’t mean states shouldn’t implement a standardized test now and again. But that should only be a portion of the measure. This next section will get a ton of fucking heat from people but I’m right and they are wrong, so let’s take a look.

  1. We have to completely rethink how we teach. It can no longer be about standardized tests where most questions can be answered by rote. How do we do this? That’s not rhetorical.  We need to figure this out and it’s going to be fucking painful at first.
  2. All general education grades 5 – 12 need to completely shift from focusing on the ‘what’ and instead focus on the ‘how and why’. What does this mean?
    •  Getting the right answer is still important, but understanding why it is the right answer is more important. Don’t just tell kids that two plus two is 4. Explain to them why it is four. Explain to them how it is four. I know this is a pretty fucking easy concept to understand when I tell it this simply, but it’s the old adage if you give a gal a fish she eats for a day but if you show her how Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery is a metaphor for not following the crowd and show her how to apply it to current governments, local issues in the town, etc., that mother fuckette will be fat on knowledge and she’ll be able to feed others with her mental acumen and deductive prowess. Right?  That’s how that metaphor goes? I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.
  3. Maybe Common Core is not the ideal way to go about it, but absofuckinglutely kids need to learn there is more than one way to skin a cat. So taking the time early on in their lives to show them multiple ways of approaching a problem, and making sure they have a really good understanding of common and advanced concepts is WAY more important than being able to recite a bunch of shit for a test and then never retaining it. This will make kids so much more marketable as adults.
    • For real. I know who the idiots are because they are the people who bitch about kids not learning the old way of math and science. You know what, actually keep teaching your kids the same old shit and I’ll make sure the people I care about learn both the old way and some new ways to solve problems, and then they can run circles around your kids. Have fun digging a ditch, you dumb bastard.
    • I’d like to point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with digging ditches or doing manual labor. If I could make enough money moving big round hay bales for a living you’d never see or hear from me again. But as a historic metaphor, fuck your basic kids.  Here’s a shovel.
  4. Last but not least, every school in America must teach a basic life skills class each grade year where they learn one to two really, really important skills like how to manage money, how to balance a check book, how to buy a house, how to take out a loan, how to manage a credit card, how to care for a pet, how to set up a will, how to hold a garage sale. Things they will actually do later in life. How to use Excel. Email etiquette. These are important skills and this will be a requirement of the audit under my plan.

That’s it. At the local level, teachers will enjoy the autonomy to teach kids the way they need to learn, focusing more on true understanding concepts and how to learn than whether or not a third grader can memorize how to spell discombobulated. (FYI, I FUCKING NAILED THAT WITHOUT SPELLCHECKER!)

Are there going to be problems.  Of course!  There’s problems now. Will there be shitty teachers? Some!  We have that now. Will there be misappropriations of fund? Truly! That’s why we’ll have to be diligent as we create the audit process. Will there by lessons learned? I hope so. That’s the point! But some other countries are doing some things right, and we should learn from them as we move forward to become brilliant again. And we need to stop selling ourselves short.  There are already a ton of really smart people doing amazing things every day. But the dinosaur that is the Department of Ed is dead, and we don’t need a Jurassic Park on our hands. Keep the bones in the museum and let’s figure out a better way to do this.

UNION NOTE: I don’t care if the states bust ’em. But, under this new rule we would implement a league minimum of $35,000. Need more money to pay this exorbitant salary? Figure it out, states.

Let the hate parade begin.

Tremendous Business Acumen

“This manure is really unfair!”

Here’s a thing I’d like to point out because I’m a dumb asshole and I like to stir the pot.

Trump recently settled a lawsuit for Trump University for $25,000,000.

You don’t settle a lawsuit for $25,000,000 because you think you have a case.

Continue reading “Tremendous Business Acumen”

The Speech He Needs To Give

Things are still wildly crazy after a whirlwind election cycle and I personally am very, very frustrated. Ever since the results came in, our own people are against each other. The stories continue to pour in from around the country, of people verbally assaulting minorities, and of protesters turning violent. The troubling part is President Elect Trump hasn’t done enough to stop it.

Donald Trump is a man who understands grandstanding and getting in front of a crowd more than anyone, maybe in history. The guy is a genius marketer, a self-promotion machine, and if anyone can get on a TV or get coverage of a speech, it would be him.

Continue reading “The Speech He Needs To Give”

Guest Commentary: On The Long Fight Ahead

Guest Commentary by Ryan Niemann

This was supposed to be it. This was supposed to be the election that finally disassembled the Republican Party. This was supposed to be the election that saw all of the metaphorical chickens returning to their metaphorical roosts, rendering the Republican Party nothing more than its disparate and grossly cobbled together parts flailing on the ground at the sight of the first woman President following the first African American President. “This would be a reckoning for the Republican Party,” Very Smart People assured us, confident 50 years of Republicans embracing the worst impulses of the American Id were finally, gloriously, coming to an ignoble end. That the adults in the party would realize the error of their ways and reject the nihilism and anger which had come to be the Republican’s brand. That they would again become an integral part in our two-party system, ensuring the country would run as smoothly as it could.

Continue reading “Guest Commentary: On The Long Fight Ahead”

No Bitching


In the next four years, a lot of things are going to happen and I want you to remember the choice you make on Tuesday.

I want you to know if you vote for Hillary Clinton, you are voting for the establishment. You are voting for social programs. You are voting for, if not corruption, the air of corruption. You are voting for a woman’s right to choose. You are voting for the backroom deal. For pay to play. For someone who is really, really good at being a politician. Your vote is counting towards a person who doesn’t understand or thinks she is above the law when it comes to protecting information. For someone who may still go down for something in this email scandal. You are also voting for the status quo, and while there are some things that are really bad, overall our country is splendid.

I want you to know that if you vote for Donald Trump, you are voting for bigotry and rape culture. You are casting a vote for someone who belittles the less fortunate. A man who maybe sexually assaulted kid. A man who did sexually assault his wife, which she testified to, under oath. You’re voting for a shitty business man, and putting a snake oil salesman into the highest office of the land. You are voting for racial tension, and better contracts and deals with foreign countries if they can look past the leader of our country’s bigotry. It’s a vote for fraud; a vote for the big guy. It’s a vote that will open the door to limited freedoms and more violence. It’s also a vote for our own brand of extreme religion. I do not think it is a vote for less government.

The point I’m trying to make is that neither of these candidates is ideal, or even good. But the majority of you will vote for one of them, and when you do, you don’t get to bitch about it later.

You don’t get to bitch about too many social programs, or the high cost of health care, or the shitty deals we make with other counties.  If you aren’t happy with your candidate after the fact, you don’t get to complain. If she goes down for emails, you have to be okay with it. If she fails because it turns out she’s not that great, tough shit.

You don’t get to complain about a half built wall, trillions of wasted dollars on pipe dreams and half-truths. When crime rises because the separation of middle, upper and lower class becomes only the elite and the have-nots, you gotta’ take it.

When a lopsided supreme court limits your personal freedoms or your societal freedoms, you don’t get to complain. In fact, if you do complain about that there may be consequences, regardless of who is put into the judgeship(s).

Clinton and Trump are two sides of the same coin, and if you put either in office you are voting for the most wretched hive of scum and villainy since Mos Eisley. Think about that when I beat the rap.


Where There’s Smoke You Can Choke To Death

Hey baby, I like your manure spreader.

First, go read this article because it is really interesting.

Did you read it?  Did you get bored because it was so long?  Screw you, go finish it – it’s well written and fairly objective.

Okay now that you are finished reading it, here’s some opinion for you to react to.

Continue reading “Where There’s Smoke You Can Choke To Death”