No Bitching


In the next four years, a lot of things are going to happen and I want you to remember the choice you make on Tuesday.

I want you to know if you vote for Hillary Clinton, you are voting for the establishment. You are voting for social programs. You are voting for, if not corruption, the air of corruption. You are voting for a woman’s right to choose. You are voting for the backroom deal. For pay to play. For someone who is really, really good at being a politician. Your vote is counting towards a person who doesn’t understand or thinks she is above the law when it comes to protecting information. For someone who may still go down for something in this email scandal. You are also voting for the status quo, and while there are some things that are really bad, overall our country is splendid.

I want you to know that if you vote for Donald Trump, you are voting for bigotry and rape culture. You are casting a vote for someone who belittles the less fortunate. A man who maybe sexually assaulted kid. A man who did sexually assault his wife, which she testified to, under oath. You’re voting for a shitty business man, and putting a snake oil salesman into the highest office of the land. You are voting for racial tension, and better contracts and deals with foreign countries if they can look past the leader of our country’s bigotry. It’s a vote for fraud; a vote for the big guy. It’s a vote that will open the door to limited freedoms and more violence. It’s also a vote for our own brand of extreme religion. I do not think it is a vote for less government.

The point I’m trying to make is that neither of these candidates is ideal, or even good. But the majority of you will vote for one of them, and when you do, you don’t get to bitch about it later.

You don’t get to bitch about too many social programs, or the high cost of health care, or the shitty deals we make with other counties.  If you aren’t happy with your candidate after the fact, you don’t get to complain. If she goes down for emails, you have to be okay with it. If she fails because it turns out she’s not that great, tough shit.

You don’t get to complain about a half built wall, trillions of wasted dollars on pipe dreams and half-truths. When crime rises because the separation of middle, upper and lower class becomes only the elite and the have-nots, you gotta’ take it.

When a lopsided supreme court limits your personal freedoms or your societal freedoms, you don’t get to complain. In fact, if you do complain about that there may be consequences, regardless of who is put into the judgeship(s).

Clinton and Trump are two sides of the same coin, and if you put either in office you are voting for the most wretched hive of scum and villainy since Mos Eisley. Think about that when I beat the rap.



Guest Commentary: On Doing Right

Guest Commentary by Dan Umthun

Today, two good cops are dead a short distance from my house in Des Moines, Iowa.

By a man who was convinced that a police officer telling him to put down his Confederate Flag at a football game was a violation of his constitutional rights and possibly that his only recourse was murder; some patriotic act of revolution. The same man convicted of a racist assault in a parking lot in which he beat another human and shouted racist slurs. A man with prior gun crime convictions and a history of belligerence with law enforcement. Today, before the police caught the white suspect, they initially insinuated Black Lives Matter supporters could be responsible. Today, a black church in Mississippi was burnt and spray painted with the words ‘Vote Trump’.

What, tomorrow?

What about next Wednesday?

Violence isn’t helping anyone’s cause, of course, whether you’re pro civil rights or pro the other thing. The other thing is racism.

There’s no way not to politicize this, because it’s inherently political. And it cannot be chalked up to ‘partisan rhetoric on both sides’. Because it isn’t there on both sides.
The right wing owns this. Pure and simple. Your words have consequences. You cannot have a reasoned discussion with someone who rejects 80% of news sources, massive chunks of provable fact and believes in vast, nebulous conspiracies promulgated by specious talk show hosts and news organizations and reality TV stars presenting demonstrably disprovable opinion or openly pernicious speculation as fact. And when people get charged up by listening to you to a point where they act, violently, you own it.

You have to own it.

I used to be a dyed in the wool republican conservative. Until a few years ago I still fully considered myself a ‘conservative’ of some sort. At least fundamentally? I couldn’t betray my values. But my values, my core values of liberty, the value of human life, self reliance, justice, rule of law, truth, efficiency of government, and the desire for a robust economy largely unfettered but still controlled by the people, not the state or corporations… These remain unchanged. But I realized that the republican party and the self identified conservative movement no longer stands for these things, in fact. They reject science in favor of ‘corporatocracy’, promote conspiracy rather than civic discourse, and their candidate directly provokes violent sedition rather than peaceful transfer of power.

I’m telling you this, Christians, conservatives, party of Lincoln: you are not betraying your core principles by abandoning the people who no longer represent you. If, in fact, they ever truly have. I’m not endorsing an alternative party or candidate. I’m not asking you to vote for Clinton.

I’m telling you that the people to whom you are loyal are not loyal to you, your interests, and are purely poison. Poison. To all of us.

By turning off talk radio, by repudiating calls to violence, by rejecting racism, and by returning to a civic, reasoned debate, you uphold your integrity.

You’re betraying your principles not to do so.

No one is taking your country from you. They are simply trying to live in it without being openly threatened by people like you, or me.

We repudiate violence, all of us do, sure. Sure. But you can’t repudiate violence as Rush, Sean, Glenn, Jan, and Simon, Tomi, Tucker, Alex, the ghost of Andrew Breitbart and the rest of them will, because of course they will; and not also cease to fuel the delusion of vast conspiracy, vote rigging, and paranoia they’ve stoked for 20+ years that I used to buy hook line and sinker. On election day white supremacists, nazis, and the alt right have pledged to go ‘watch’ polls to ensure a victory for a self avowed sexual predator. There will be more violence still. And thereafter, the usual hand-wringing from the right. ‘You don’t know for sure, wait til the “facts” are in, violence is deplorable…etc,etc.’


You don’t get to chastise a fire for burning you while throwing newspaper at it. Or in this case, talk radio.

Dan Umthun is a stand up comedian, producer, and lover of comics. You can check him out on The Doomcast. Reach him on Twitter @danumthun.

Best Conspiracy Theories Vol. 1

Even you can own one of these beauties.  In fact, link below to buy, if you are into it.

One of my favorite past times is listening to people tell me about some conspiracy theory about either our government or country, i.e., how full of shit they are. Here’s some of my favorites that I’ve heard this year.

Marshal Law By Christmas/Corporate Takeover

Last year my brother told me about a theory that all of the corporations of the US were planning to help the government institute marshal law before Christmas. That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

I actually get the privilege to work with several of the top 500 companies in the US. And do you know what they all have in common? Sell more shit. How are they going to sell more shit if all of their customers are stuck at home? No, for real. Why would any company that depends on a store front, which is the majority of all companies in the US, want to limit the hours that customers could be in their store? Dumb Dumb Dumb.

If companies wanted to really take over, they would just give government officials more campaign money. This is such a dumb theory.

Obama Wants to Be King

I read multiple articles and had several people tell me that Barack Obama’s goal is to be king of America and he will be king by Christmas. (This was last fall, again).

That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. He’s already the President. I’d be more afraid of Hillary becoming Queen than Obama becoming King. Plus, have you not paid attention to every other country other than North Korea? Kings are figureheads. None of them have any real power.

This is doubly stupid because when this rumor was floating around the most Republicans had a majority of the Senate and the House. No doubt this was a right winged conspiracy – meaning your own party would have to get with King Obama to make him…king. This is such a dumb theory.

Takin’ Our Guns

Every day I hear a new theory that the government is coming to take our guns. This seems pretty simple to me, but if you have the guns, then don’t let them get taken. End of the conversation.  What a stupid theory. Plus, the NRA is the biggest of the lobbyists, and that money goes away without guns. Politicians don’t want that money to go away. This is such a dumb theory.

Trump Is Actually a Democrat Helping Hillary Win

This may actually be true.

Obama Can Control the Weather

If he could actually control the weather, don’t you think he’s ditch the White House and make, literally, all of the money ever?  Just charge countries whatever you want to make it either grow or snow. FFS, this is the stupidest fucking theory I’ve ever heard, ever.

The Earth Is Flat

You dummies.  You simpletons. If you believe the Earth is flat, you are straight dumb. First of all, I’ve used a telescope to look at all the other planets, including our sun and moon, and guess what smart guys, they are all circles. In fact, every star, planet and moon pretty much everywhere is a sphere. I’ve also been up really high in a plane before and you can see the curve if you get high enough. Plus, explain mountains, mother fucker. If I go up in the mountains, and then come out of the mountains, I can’t just see forever until I see more mountains.  Even with a giant pair of binoculars. The same thing happens from the Sears Tower looking out of the lake. You can’t see the other side of the lake. That’s because it’s around the bend. Meanwhile, the best argument I’ve heard for a flat earth is that if I researched it I would understand.

Guess what, I don’t need to research it because I’m not a fucking idiot.

These were some of my favorite conspiracy theories I’ve heard lately.  If this is well received, I’ll debunk more of them by belittling the competition and using opinions instead of fact to smartly position my bias.

 Photo Note: Not sure you can buy these here, but this is where I found them.  I actually think it’s funny and if you can buy one from them it would make me laugh twice. Once because the hats are silly and twice because a sucker is born every minute.