I know this isn’t politics, but this is important. Also, don’t ask why I thought of this.
Eddie is just Basketball Blazing Saddles.
Whoopi Goldberg’s Eddie is an unlikely Cleavon Little’s Sheriff Bart-esque anti-hero. Both work in blue collar transportation and become the unlikely leader.
Frank Langella’s Wild Bill Burgess is the excellent Harvey Korman’s Heddy Lamar. That’s Hedley!
The Knicks franchise is Rock Ridge.
The Knicks players are the towns folks
Dwayne Schintzius’s Ivan Radovadovich is a very, very poor man’s Mongo, played by gambling Alex Karras.
Malik Sealy’s hateable Stacy Patton and Richard Jenkins’ Coach Zimmer are the equivilent but not equivilent to Gene Wilder’s fantastic Waco Kid.
Larry Johnson’s himself is the gang of rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.”
Dennis Farina’s Coach Bailey is the masterful Slim Pickens’ Taggart. I love you Dennis Farina, but get your fucking shine box when it comes to choosing between you and Slim.
Coach Zimmer’s plan at the end of the game against the Hornets is essentially Sheriff Bart’s idea to build a fake town. Someone’s gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes.
“They said you were hung?”
“And they was right!”
Marv Albert calling the last play is essentially the townsfolk of Rock Ridge explaining the plan – they’ll destroy the fake Rock Ridge but they’ll think it’s the real Rock Ridge but we’ll know it’s the fake Rock Ridge.
Ivan taking the charge after the Hornets have one last chance is basically the Waco Kid shooting the dynamite.
The whole movie of Eddie is the farting campfire scene in Blazing Saddles.
Hot Dog Man might be in deep shit. I’ve said it before – where there’s smoke, you can choke to death. You don’t even have to be guilty anymore. Two of HDM’s lackeys took the rap for this, but the stench of tomfoolery hangs over Christie and his homies like burnt popcorn mixed with burnt hair mixed with burnt bacon. Also, where there’s smoke there may be a BBQ, let’s go see!
Speaking of the smell of burnt bacon, did you know that if you throw a rager while your parents or husband is gone and you need to hide the smell of weed, booze, and piss from the buddy of your friend, who you don’t even know, who showed up totally wasted and mistakenly thought your husband’s aloe plant was a toilet (at least she didn’t shit in it) it can all be masked by cooked bacon? When he/your parents come home, all they’ll know is you treated yourself to some delicious bacon for breakfast and as long as you fish the panties out of the pool and re-pot the aloe, they’ll never know…
One of my favorite past times is listening to people tell me about some conspiracy theory about either our government or country, i.e., how full of shit they are. Here’s some of my favorites that I’ve heard this year.
Marshal Law By Christmas/Corporate Takeover
Last year my brother told me about a theory that all of the corporations of the US were planning to help the government institute marshal law before Christmas. That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
I actually get the privilege to work with several of the top 500 companies in the US. And do you know what they all have in common? Sell more shit. How are they going to sell more shit if all of their customers are stuck at home? No, for real. Why would any company that depends on a store front, which is the majority of all companies in the US, want to limit the hours that customers could be in their store? Dumb Dumb Dumb.
If companies wanted to really take over, they would just give government officials more campaign money. This is such a dumb theory.
Obama Wants to Be King
I read multiple articles and had several people tell me that Barack Obama’s goal is to be king of America and he will be king by Christmas. (This was last fall, again).
That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. He’s already the President. I’d be more afraid of Hillary becoming Queen than Obama becoming King. Plus, have you not paid attention to every other country other than North Korea? Kings are figureheads. None of them have any real power.
This is doubly stupid because when this rumor was floating around the most Republicans had a majority of the Senate and the House. No doubt this was a right winged conspiracy – meaning your own party would have to get with King Obama to make him…king. This is such a dumb theory.
Takin’ Our Guns
Every day I hear a new theory that the government is coming to take our guns. This seems pretty simple to me, but if you have the guns, then don’t let them get taken. End of the conversation. What a stupid theory. Plus, the NRA is the biggest of the lobbyists, and that money goes away without guns. Politicians don’t want that money to go away. This is such a dumb theory.
Trump Is Actually a Democrat Helping Hillary Win
This may actually be true.
Obama Can Control the Weather
If he could actually control the weather, don’t you think he’s ditch the White House and make, literally, all of the money ever? Just charge countries whatever you want to make it either grow or snow. FFS, this is the stupidest fucking theory I’ve ever heard, ever.
The Earth Is Flat
You dummies. You simpletons. If you believe the Earth is flat, you are straight dumb. First of all, I’ve used a telescope to look at all the other planets, including our sun and moon, and guess what smart guys, they are all circles. In fact, every star, planet and moon pretty much everywhere is a sphere. I’ve also been up really high in a plane before and you can see the curve if you get high enough. Plus, explain mountains, mother fucker. If I go up in the mountains, and then come out of the mountains, I can’t just see forever until I see more mountains. Even with a giant pair of binoculars. The same thing happens from the Sears Tower looking out of the lake. You can’t see the other side of the lake. That’s because it’s around the bend. Meanwhile, the best argument I’ve heard for a flat earth is that if I researched it I would understand.
Guess what, I don’t need to research it because I’m not a fucking idiot.
These were some of my favorite conspiracy theories I’ve heard lately. If this is well received, I’ll debunk more of them by belittling the competition and using opinions instead of fact to smartly position my bias.
Photo Note: Not sure you can buy these here, but this is where I found them. I actually think it’s funny and if you can buy one from them it would make me laugh twice. Once because the hats are silly and twice because a sucker is born every minute.