Christie Gets His Goose Cooked. Mmmm, Goose.

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Hot Dog Man might be in deep shit. I’ve said it before – where there’s smoke, you can choke to death. You don’t even have to be guilty anymore. Two of HDM’s lackeys took the rap for this, but the stench of tomfoolery hangs over Christie and his homies like burnt popcorn mixed with burnt hair mixed with burnt bacon. Also, where there’s smoke there may be a BBQ, let’s go see!

Speaking of the smell of burnt bacon, did you know that if you throw a rager while your parents or husband is gone and you need to hide the smell of weed, booze, and piss from the buddy of your friend, who you don’t even know, who showed up totally wasted and mistakenly thought your husband’s aloe plant was a toilet (at least she didn’t shit in it) it can all be masked by cooked bacon?  When he/your parents come home, all they’ll know is you treated yourself to some delicious bacon for breakfast and as long as you fish the panties out of the pool and re-pot the aloe, they’ll never know

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Identifying Why Trump Picked Pence

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The other day I took the elevator with some friends like I am wont to do. It’s not that I’m lazy. I just hate stairs. While we were talking about how lazy I am, we were wrapping up a conversation about Trump and I stated I knew why Trump selected Pence as his running mate.

This may not be news to anyone, but I think it’s worth pointing out. When Trump picked Pence, he gave himself free reign to continue being an asshole because he knew by buying the cow, he got the milk for free.  In this case, the milk for free is the religious, ultra-conservative right.

Recall at one point it was rumored Trump could pick Chris Christie to be his running mate.  Let’s be honest, Chris isn’t doing any running unless he walks past a Skyline and smells chili five ways, so really he would have just been a mate. And while Pence, that old silver fox, brings that (apparently) necessary ultra-right, he doesn’t bring much else to the table except a massive outbreak of HIV, a 6,000 year-old Earth and an uncanny resemblance to Bud Kilmer from Varsity Blues and if we learned anything from Dawson, “Fuck Kilmer”. Funny, he was actually the reason for the STD outbreak because it was in Indiana and I sort of thought Indiana was the STD of America.

Christie, however, brought a lot to the table. You should see his table, it’s like something out of Babette’s Feast, and that’s just for elevensies. Let’s take a look at what you get with him as your mate:

  • A lifetime subscription to Hot Dog Weekly, a magazine by and for hot dog aficionados
  • A constant barrage of “Are you gonna’ finish that?”
  • A $2 surcharge on t-shirts
  • A fast pass for every Atlantic City casino buffet

I think the pros outweigh the cons here, kids.  Or actually, the con outweighs the pros if the latest in the bridge scandal holds up.

Photo Disclaimer: I jacked this photo from Forbes or some place. Never heard of it. I had the image open in Photoshop to resize it and all off a sudden it just sucked in hot dogs from some other site. Craziest thing I’ve ever seen. Also, I know I’m a giant dick wad for ripping on his weight, but I am kind of fat too so I feel like any of these jokes can be made about me. Plus in most instances I feel like if you just did some fucking exercise and had one less Jack’s frozen pizza you (read: I) wouldn’t be such a tub of shit. 

Additional unnecessary side note: If you think I misused free reign above and thought you might correct me because it is typically free rein I would tell you to suck it. If Trump was riding a horse I’d agree but let’s be honest, he’s no jockey. The only thing he’s riding is the backs of the people he steps on to build his shitty properties. Plus it’s politics and governing so I’m write, you’re wrong. See I did it again.  So many plays on words.  I hope I can keep this shit up.