Guest Commentary by Ryan Niemann
This was supposed to be it. This was supposed to be the election that finally disassembled the Republican Party. This was supposed to be the election that saw all of the metaphorical chickens returning to their metaphorical roosts, rendering the Republican Party nothing more than its disparate and grossly cobbled together parts flailing on the ground at the sight of the first woman President following the first African American President. “This would be a reckoning for the Republican Party,” Very Smart People assured us, confident 50 years of Republicans embracing the worst impulses of the American Id were finally, gloriously, coming to an ignoble end. That the adults in the party would realize the error of their ways and reject the nihilism and anger which had come to be the Republican’s brand. That they would again become an integral part in our two-party system, ensuring the country would run as smoothly as it could.
From despair springs hope. The human spirit is a mother fucker, and it cannot be stopped. I have a friend named Joel who said a very profound thing we all need to latch on to, and the profound thing is how we need to root for Trump now. We don’t have a choice, and if he succeeds as a historically good president, then our country wins. It’s in our best interest if he actually ends up being awesome.
I’ve heard a lot of people and read a lot of posts from people saying tomorrow we have to go back and be one country and support the decision.
That’s stupid bullshit.
I don’t have to be happy and I don’t have to settle and you shouldn’t, either. Just because your friend is driving home drunk doesn’t mean you need to get in the car.Tomorrow the country is still going to be divided. Regardless of what happens, you’re going to see some stupid things in the next month as this settles down. But hopefully clear-headed America showed up and even though I don’t like her, Clinton’s a lot better than riding home drunk with your friend while they text their bro about all the pussy they grabbed.
Unless you’re into that sort of shit. Then by all means, keep driving.
King Ralph is a really good analogy for Trump. John Goodman plays a boorish lounge act, who becomes king because, basically, everyone else died in a freak photography accident. In real life, Trump could become president, well, basically in spite of a freak photography accident.
I bring this up because it’s time to make an endorsement, as a political site, and I’m not going to beat or grab around the bush. Continue reading “Trust Issues”
In the next four years, a lot of things are going to happen and I want you to remember the choice you make on Tuesday.
I want you to know if you vote for Hillary Clinton, you are voting for the establishment. You are voting for social programs. You are voting for, if not corruption, the air of corruption. You are voting for a woman’s right to choose. You are voting for the backroom deal. For pay to play. For someone who is really, really good at being a politician. Your vote is counting towards a person who doesn’t understand or thinks she is above the law when it comes to protecting information. For someone who may still go down for something in this email scandal. You are also voting for the status quo, and while there are some things that are really bad, overall our country is splendid.
I want you to know that if you vote for Donald Trump, you are voting for bigotry and rape culture. You are casting a vote for someone who belittles the less fortunate. A man who maybe sexually assaulted kid. A man who did sexually assault his wife, which she testified to, under oath. You’re voting for a shitty business man, and putting a snake oil salesman into the highest office of the land. You are voting for racial tension, and better contracts and deals with foreign countries if they can look past the leader of our country’s bigotry. It’s a vote for fraud; a vote for the big guy. It’s a vote that will open the door to limited freedoms and more violence. It’s also a vote for our own brand of extreme religion. I do not think it is a vote for less government.
The point I’m trying to make is that neither of these candidates is ideal, or even good. But the majority of you will vote for one of them, and when you do, you don’t get to bitch about it later.
You don’t get to bitch about too many social programs, or the high cost of health care, or the shitty deals we make with other counties. If you aren’t happy with your candidate after the fact, you don’t get to complain. If she goes down for emails, you have to be okay with it. If she fails because it turns out she’s not that great, tough shit.
You don’t get to complain about a half built wall, trillions of wasted dollars on pipe dreams and half-truths. When crime rises because the separation of middle, upper and lower class becomes only the elite and the have-nots, you gotta’ take it.
When a lopsided supreme court limits your personal freedoms or your societal freedoms, you don’t get to complain. In fact, if you do complain about that there may be consequences, regardless of who is put into the judgeship(s).
Clinton and Trump are two sides of the same coin, and if you put either in office you are voting for the most wretched hive of scum and villainy since Mos Eisley. Think about that when I beat the rap.
Guest Commentary by Dan Umthun
Today, two good cops are dead a short distance from my house in Des Moines, Iowa.
By a man who was convinced that a police officer telling him to put down his Confederate Flag at a football game was a violation of his constitutional rights and possibly that his only recourse was murder; some patriotic act of revolution. The same man convicted of a racist assault in a parking lot in which he beat another human and shouted racist slurs. A man with prior gun crime convictions and a history of belligerence with law enforcement. Today, before the police caught the white suspect, they initially insinuated Black Lives Matter supporters could be responsible. Today, a black church in Mississippi was burnt and spray painted with the words ‘Vote Trump’.
What about next Wednesday?
Violence isn’t helping anyone’s cause, of course, whether you’re pro civil rights or pro the other thing. The other thing is racism.
There’s no way not to politicize this, because it’s inherently political. And it cannot be chalked up to ‘partisan rhetoric on both sides’. Because it isn’t there on both sides.
The right wing owns this. Pure and simple. Your words have consequences. You cannot have a reasoned discussion with someone who rejects 80% of news sources, massive chunks of provable fact and believes in vast, nebulous conspiracies promulgated by specious talk show hosts and news organizations and reality TV stars presenting demonstrably disprovable opinion or openly pernicious speculation as fact. And when people get charged up by listening to you to a point where they act, violently, you own it.
You have to own it.
I used to be a dyed in the wool republican conservative. Until a few years ago I still fully considered myself a ‘conservative’ of some sort. At least fundamentally? I couldn’t betray my values. But my values, my core values of liberty, the value of human life, self reliance, justice, rule of law, truth, efficiency of government, and the desire for a robust economy largely unfettered but still controlled by the people, not the state or corporations… These remain unchanged. But I realized that the republican party and the self identified conservative movement no longer stands for these things, in fact. They reject science in favor of ‘corporatocracy’, promote conspiracy rather than civic discourse, and their candidate directly provokes violent sedition rather than peaceful transfer of power.
I’m telling you this, Christians, conservatives, party of Lincoln: you are not betraying your core principles by abandoning the people who no longer represent you. If, in fact, they ever truly have. I’m not endorsing an alternative party or candidate. I’m not asking you to vote for Clinton.
I’m telling you that the people to whom you are loyal are not loyal to you, your interests, and are purely poison. Poison. To all of us.
By turning off talk radio, by repudiating calls to violence, by rejecting racism, and by returning to a civic, reasoned debate, you uphold your integrity.
You’re betraying your principles not to do so.
No one is taking your country from you. They are simply trying to live in it without being openly threatened by people like you, or me.
We repudiate violence, all of us do, sure. Sure. But you can’t repudiate violence as Rush, Sean, Glenn, Jan, and Simon, Tomi, Tucker, Alex, the ghost of Andrew Breitbart and the rest of them will, because of course they will; and not also cease to fuel the delusion of vast conspiracy, vote rigging, and paranoia they’ve stoked for 20+ years that I used to buy hook line and sinker. On election day white supremacists, nazis, and the alt right have pledged to go ‘watch’ polls to ensure a victory for a self avowed sexual predator. There will be more violence still. And thereafter, the usual hand-wringing from the right. ‘You don’t know for sure, wait til the “facts” are in, violence is deplorable…etc,etc.’
You don’t get to chastise a fire for burning you while throwing newspaper at it. Or in this case, talk radio.
Dan Umthun is a stand up comedian, producer, and lover of comics. You can check him out on The Doomcast. Reach him on Twitter @danumthun.