Editor’s Note: I hate the fucking Cubs.
In today’s world of hot takes, fast takes, quick takes, rapid takes, speed takes, hot corner takes, instant takes, can-of-corn takes, Subway Fresh Takes and pronto takes, sometimes it’s also a little nice to sit back and process something before reacting. It’s a lost art, but it’s something I had to do with this Cubs World Series victory. After a good long week in which we absolutely got our asses kicked as a country, regardless of party affiliation, I had the following ten conclusions.
- I still love baseball.
- I’m really happy for my friends who are Cubs fans, despite my irrational hatred of the Cubs. That’s never changing. But for Aunt Nat, Woost, my dentist, Scheff, Cole, Matt, Lord Tonk, Doug – I hope you guys enjoy this for the next three months in a way that brings you ultimate satisfaction. There is nothing better than playoff baseball and when you win it all, it’s the greatest feeling a fan can feel. I know this because my Royals finally won last year.
- Joe Maddon is a hell of a coach. He blends the absolutely perfect combination of old school baseball knowledge and old school baseball hokum into a lovable mixture of everything it means to be a fan of baseball. Plus, his guys adore him, and I respect any leader who can get his entire crew to back him, and to charge hell with a bucket of water, or a couple bats, as it were.
- If Gozer the Gozerian asked Theo Epstein if he was a god, Theo would say yes.
- He broke the curse.
- He broke the other curse.
- He ate a fucking goat in the outfield. Fantastic!
- I hope that becomes a thing. Like, if you fuck up you have to eat crow, but if you do something impossible you eat goat. Example: I’m the greatest in the world. Tonight, we move on them like a bitch. Tonight, we eat goat!
- Whether or not I enjoy the Cubs as an ball club, there is no denying they are a dynamic group of ultra-talented baseball men hell-bent on winning and likely to repeat this feat sometime in the next five years. I don’t root for the likes of Kris Bryant, Addison Russell, et al, but man. Those guys play the game of baseball. They are excited to be on the field. They can rake. They can defend. They do it right. I saw Addison play in his last game in Des Moines. I said to my nephew that he’d be playing in Chicago soon. Like a year later he is a World Series hero. That’s a great story and a testament to the team. Javier Baez, my Baseball Man, is going to be a megastud. Still hate them though. Hope they lose.
- Yep. I still hate them and I hope they lose.
- Anything can happen. Look at what is going on in just the last fifteen days. The Cubs won the World Series and we proved that literally anyone can become president of the United States. This is a super exciting time to be alive!
- If you don’t think baseball heals, unites, and is a symbol for love, you haven’t been paying attention. Just look at how many idiot Cubs fans called out to long-dead relatives that they did it. How many people celebrated around the country and fondly remembered those who have gone before us. Those losers died not experiencing the joy of a World Series and now their family remembered them and poured some out during the happiest moment of their otherwise terrible lives. It really is touching. Seriously, when fathers and sons and grandsons have nothing else to talk about, there’s always baseball. It’s woven in the fabric of our culture and I can’t believe I’m about to say it, but no where greater than in the Cubs fandom.
- I played baseball every single day growing up. In the winter I would throw tennis balls at a concrete wall in one of our hog houses. Year round I would hit rocks with a wood bat over our barn. I’ll tell more of these stories over time but I just want to point out that I hold the game in high esteem and to be able to witness something this profound in a sport I love is meaningful, and I think the full meaning will evolve and grow over time. I think we witnessed something amazing and I think a lot of what Epstein has done can be translated into business and our personal lives. A lot happened when the Cubs won and it’s going to take months and years for it to shake out. It’s just a game, but meaning is attributed, and people attribute a lot of meaning to the Cubs.
- Watching both teams, all I could think about was how a fully healthy Royals squad would have kicked the absolute shit out of either team. They proved it with the Indians one of the weeks they were mostly healthy, and oh man alive, I can’t wait for the 2017 season! I LOVE BASEBALL!
One last time, congratulation to the team I hate third only to the Yankees and Iowa State Cyclones. While I adamantly reject your program, everything you stand for and everything you’ll ever be, watching the Cubs is still better than no baseball. While I hope all the heartbreak happens on the field, I can appreciate the historical significance of the win, and as a pure baseball fan, nothing beats compelling playoff baseball, and this was without a doubt one of the most compelling conclusions to a season we will ever see.
One more time…..I LOVE BASEBALL!!!!!!!!
And go Royals!