Best Conspiracy Theories Vol. 1

tin-foil-hats.jpg
Even you can own one of these beauties.  In fact, link below to buy, if you are into it.

One of my favorite past times is listening to people tell me about some conspiracy theory about either our government or country, i.e., how full of shit they are. Here’s some of my favorites that I’ve heard this year.

Marshal Law By Christmas/Corporate Takeover

Last year my brother told me about a theory that all of the corporations of the US were planning to help the government institute marshal law before Christmas. That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

I actually get the privilege to work with several of the top 500 companies in the US. And do you know what they all have in common? Sell more shit. How are they going to sell more shit if all of their customers are stuck at home? No, for real. Why would any company that depends on a store front, which is the majority of all companies in the US, want to limit the hours that customers could be in their store? Dumb Dumb Dumb.

If companies wanted to really take over, they would just give government officials more campaign money. This is such a dumb theory.

Obama Wants to Be King

I read multiple articles and had several people tell me that Barack Obama’s goal is to be king of America and he will be king by Christmas. (This was last fall, again).

That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. He’s already the President. I’d be more afraid of Hillary becoming Queen than Obama becoming King. Plus, have you not paid attention to every other country other than North Korea? Kings are figureheads. None of them have any real power.

This is doubly stupid because when this rumor was floating around the most Republicans had a majority of the Senate and the House. No doubt this was a right winged conspiracy – meaning your own party would have to get with King Obama to make him…king. This is such a dumb theory.

Takin’ Our Guns

Every day I hear a new theory that the government is coming to take our guns. This seems pretty simple to me, but if you have the guns, then don’t let them get taken. End of the conversation.  What a stupid theory. Plus, the NRA is the biggest of the lobbyists, and that money goes away without guns. Politicians don’t want that money to go away. This is such a dumb theory.

Trump Is Actually a Democrat Helping Hillary Win

This may actually be true.

Obama Can Control the Weather

If he could actually control the weather, don’t you think he’s ditch the White House and make, literally, all of the money ever?  Just charge countries whatever you want to make it either grow or snow. FFS, this is the stupidest fucking theory I’ve ever heard, ever.

The Earth Is Flat

You dummies.  You simpletons. If you believe the Earth is flat, you are straight dumb. First of all, I’ve used a telescope to look at all the other planets, including our sun and moon, and guess what smart guys, they are all circles. In fact, every star, planet and moon pretty much everywhere is a sphere. I’ve also been up really high in a plane before and you can see the curve if you get high enough. Plus, explain mountains, mother fucker. If I go up in the mountains, and then come out of the mountains, I can’t just see forever until I see more mountains.  Even with a giant pair of binoculars. The same thing happens from the Sears Tower looking out of the lake. You can’t see the other side of the lake. That’s because it’s around the bend. Meanwhile, the best argument I’ve heard for a flat earth is that if I researched it I would understand.

Guess what, I don’t need to research it because I’m not a fucking idiot.

These were some of my favorite conspiracy theories I’ve heard lately.  If this is well received, I’ll debunk more of them by belittling the competition and using opinions instead of fact to smartly position my bias.

 Photo Note: Not sure you can buy these here, but this is where I found them.  I actually think it’s funny and if you can buy one from them it would make me laugh twice. Once because the hats are silly and twice because a sucker is born every minute. 

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