2017 MLB Predictions

Let’s all come back in several months and note how wrong I am.

2017 Predictions


We Don’t Need Abortion Police

I’m surprised in 2017 we still have to have this debate but fucking here we are, still having this god damn debate.
We’re never going to solve the abortion riddle until we start arguing the same thing.
Pro-choice people aren’t arguing for the right to have an abortion so they can open up abortion malls or factories or abortion marts or abortion convenience stores or abortion flea markets or abortion thrift stores or abortion drive-ins. All they want is for conservatives to keep their dicks and religion out of their business.
It’s not about having an abortion. It’s about having the right to chose whether or not they can have one.
Pro Tip: If you don’t want to have a fucking abortion, then don’t get a fucking abortion.
You don’t need to legislate it and force religious beliefs that are made up anyway onto people. A better solution would be to trust in your fellow humans that they won’t have one and, by all means, help those struggling with decisions to choose life if you are so compelled.
I’m sick and fucking tired of a bunch of old white dudes sticking their dicks into the business of women and thinking they know more about a woman’s reproductive rights than women do. And I’m basically a fucking old white dude.  I’m mean I’m very close to Mike Leach territory.  (“I’m a man! I’m 40).
Instead of wasting all the fucking resources to ban abortions and jeopardize the safety of women, maybe sink money into actual family planning services and education. Because believe it or not abortions are lower now than ANY TIME IN THE LAST 40 YEARS. And unlike all you fucking flat earth idiots who, when asked for proof, tend to say “look it up” or “you could find the truth if you wanted to”, I’m going to put a links here, effectively doing the research for you:
Here’s a link if you want state data from 2009 – 2013.  You can download the excel and slice the shit out of it you fucking Excel wizard: https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/data_stats/abortion.htm
Clearly we’ve been doing something right. You get more flies with sugar than shit.
That’s all I got.  Good luck, babies.
Also, I tagged the Mets in here because it’s a story about abortions and I didn’t want them to feel left out.

Is “Eddie” Just “Basketball Blazing Saddles?” – Yes


I know this isn’t politics, but this is important. Also, don’t ask why I thought of this.

Eddie is just Basketball Blazing Saddles.

Whoopi Goldberg’s Eddie is an unlikely Cleavon Little’s Sheriff Bart-esque anti-hero. Both work in blue collar transportation and become the unlikely leader.

Frank Langella’s Wild Bill Burgess is the excellent Harvey Korman’s Heddy Lamar. That’s Hedley!

The Knicks franchise is Rock Ridge.

The Knicks players are the towns folks

Dwayne Schintzius’s Ivan Radovadovich is a very, very poor man’s Mongo, played by gambling Alex Karras.

Malik Sealy’s hateable Stacy Patton and Richard Jenkins’ Coach Zimmer are the equivilent but not equivilent to Gene Wilder’s fantastic Waco Kid.

Larry Johnson’s himself is the gang of rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.”

Dennis Farina’s Coach Bailey is the masterful Slim Pickens’ Taggart. I love you Dennis Farina, but get your fucking shine box when it comes to choosing between you and Slim.

Coach Zimmer’s plan at the end of the game against the Hornets is essentially Sheriff Bart’s idea to build a fake town. Someone’s gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes.

“They said you were hung?”

“And they was right!”

Marv Albert calling the last play is essentially the townsfolk of Rock Ridge explaining the plan – they’ll destroy the fake Rock Ridge but they’ll think it’s the real Rock Ridge but we’ll know it’s the fake Rock Ridge.

Ivan taking the charge after the Hornets have one last chance is basically the Waco Kid shooting the dynamite.

The whole movie of Eddie is the farting campfire scene in Blazing Saddles.

Well, that’s the end of this post.




On Ditching The Department of Education

Well, thanks to Mike Pence and every republican senator who received a generous donation from Betsy DeVos, that same Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.

This is stupid. She has no business being in charge of our nation’s education. But I don’t disagree with all of her ideas. I’ve come to realize my anger isn’t really with Betsy DeVos or even Mike Pence or Trump, but when it comes to education in America, the whole philosophy is off the mark for the 21st century and that is where my disdain lies.

The need for a Department of Education as we know it has sailed, in my opinion. Here’s my simple plan for unfucking our education system and getting America smart again. Yes I know that’s a very Trump thing to say but clearly we are spiraling towards a level of unheard of dumbfuckery. It’s not to late.  Let’s get started.

  1. Eliminate the Department of Education as we know it today.
  2. Immediately form a council comprised of one republican senator and one democratic senator passionate about education, and four nominated and elected teachers. There needs to be a teacher with three years of tenure, one with seven years, one with fifteen years and one with twenty years. This puts a good sampling on the council. You can only serve once. What is their role? To oversee the distribution of tax dollars to the states, and manage an audit, and that’s about it. (Not a lot more than what they do today.)
    • All tax monies collected by the federal government are deposited into an escrow. 75% of the collected annual revenue is distributed back to the states based on population. 25% of the annual revenue is then split by need to the bottom 25% of states based on population. This isn’t ideal, but we could certainly have someone smarter than me at math create a better split.  To me, population is the key.  A state like New York or California should get more money than Iowa but Iowa should still get a shot at some extra scratch to make it happen.
    • The council’s only real job is to ensure two things. That money is handled appropriately and states are following the audit parameters. Oh, and that church and state do not mix.
  3. The government will contract a third party company to audit the states’ use of funds. Any state that fails to submit the audit or fails the audit according to process or content is ineligible for funds the following year until the prior year audit is met.
    • Private companies will bid on this process via RFP and will be awarded a four year contract.
    • RFP Answers will be posted in full on a simple website. Selection of the winning company will be voted on during the presidential election.
    • There’s a lot of stuff that needs to be worked out on this, but people do RFPs all the time. We can iron out the kinks to make this happen.
  4. Part of the audit will be funds management, but a second part of it will be a standardized test. Criteria for these tests is below, and it will only make up about 25% of the criteria.
  5. All decisions on how federal money is spent becomes the obligation of the states, within the wide parameters of the audit criteria. Basically, you can’t spend it on a bunch of religion, etc. It needs to be with the intent of providing a quality general education to all children.
  6. Any piece of standardization becomes the obligation of the states, but states can work together to create this standardization. The main focus needs to be on true understanding and not rote, as you’ll read on below.

That’s pretty much it. There needs to be some oversight on the funds and an eye on the general process.  A budget for audits and third party fees needs to be determined ahead of time, and that’s what the government pays. Fair pay for job well done. This stuff happens all the time in the business world and it’s time to eliminate the bureaucracy and efficiently make changes to our education system.

So why give the money and the power to the states?  That’s easy. What works for Baton Rouge won’t work for Defiance, Iowa. Contrary to popular theory, I have pretty strong feelings that most teachers care about their jobs and want to educate kids to the best of their ability. Who knows better what the kids in the classrooms need than the people in the classrooms. It’s well documented and inarguable at this point that people learn at different rates and with different styles. Teachers need the flexibility and the funding to adjust to the nuances of their classroom year to year. That doesn’t mean states shouldn’t implement a standardized test now and again. But that should only be a portion of the measure. This next section will get a ton of fucking heat from people but I’m right and they are wrong, so let’s take a look.

  1. We have to completely rethink how we teach. It can no longer be about standardized tests where most questions can be answered by rote. How do we do this? That’s not rhetorical.  We need to figure this out and it’s going to be fucking painful at first.
  2. All general education grades 5 – 12 need to completely shift from focusing on the ‘what’ and instead focus on the ‘how and why’. What does this mean?
    •  Getting the right answer is still important, but understanding why it is the right answer is more important. Don’t just tell kids that two plus two is 4. Explain to them why it is four. Explain to them how it is four. I know this is a pretty fucking easy concept to understand when I tell it this simply, but it’s the old adage if you give a gal a fish she eats for a day but if you show her how Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery is a metaphor for not following the crowd and show her how to apply it to current governments, local issues in the town, etc., that mother fuckette will be fat on knowledge and she’ll be able to feed others with her mental acumen and deductive prowess. Right?  That’s how that metaphor goes? I’m pretty sure that’s how it goes.
  3. Maybe Common Core is not the ideal way to go about it, but absofuckinglutely kids need to learn there is more than one way to skin a cat. So taking the time early on in their lives to show them multiple ways of approaching a problem, and making sure they have a really good understanding of common and advanced concepts is WAY more important than being able to recite a bunch of shit for a test and then never retaining it. This will make kids so much more marketable as adults.
    • For real. I know who the idiots are because they are the people who bitch about kids not learning the old way of math and science. You know what, actually keep teaching your kids the same old shit and I’ll make sure the people I care about learn both the old way and some new ways to solve problems, and then they can run circles around your kids. Have fun digging a ditch, you dumb bastard.
    • I’d like to point out that there is absolutely nothing wrong with digging ditches or doing manual labor. If I could make enough money moving big round hay bales for a living you’d never see or hear from me again. But as a historic metaphor, fuck your basic kids.  Here’s a shovel.
  4. Last but not least, every school in America must teach a basic life skills class each grade year where they learn one to two really, really important skills like how to manage money, how to balance a check book, how to buy a house, how to take out a loan, how to manage a credit card, how to care for a pet, how to set up a will, how to hold a garage sale. Things they will actually do later in life. How to use Excel. Email etiquette. These are important skills and this will be a requirement of the audit under my plan.

That’s it. At the local level, teachers will enjoy the autonomy to teach kids the way they need to learn, focusing more on true understanding concepts and how to learn than whether or not a third grader can memorize how to spell discombobulated. (FYI, I FUCKING NAILED THAT WITHOUT SPELLCHECKER!)

Are there going to be problems.  Of course!  There’s problems now. Will there be shitty teachers? Some!  We have that now. Will there be misappropriations of fund? Truly! That’s why we’ll have to be diligent as we create the audit process. Will there by lessons learned? I hope so. That’s the point! But some other countries are doing some things right, and we should learn from them as we move forward to become brilliant again. And we need to stop selling ourselves short.  There are already a ton of really smart people doing amazing things every day. But the dinosaur that is the Department of Ed is dead, and we don’t need a Jurassic Park on our hands. Keep the bones in the museum and let’s figure out a better way to do this.

UNION NOTE: I don’t care if the states bust ’em. But, under this new rule we would implement a league minimum of $35,000. Need more money to pay this exorbitant salary? Figure it out, states.

Let the hate parade begin.

There Is No War On Christmas You Fucking Idiot


The next Precident (sic burn) of the United States has gone out in public and talked about being able to wish people Merry Christmas again. Well here’s a newsflash son: The ability to wish people Merry Christmas never went away because there isn’t a war on Christmas. It’s just made up bullshit from people who love being the victim.

Are you aware of how I know there isn’t a war on Christmas? It’s because I’m not a fucking idiot.

“Merry Christmas.”


Holy shit.  How did I get away with it? What will people think???

There isn’t a more made up war in the world than the fake war on Christmas people who love Christmas and love being a dumb asshole like to pretend is happening.

Are you aware of how big an asshole you are if someone wishes you Happy Holidays and you correct them or call them out for not saying Merry Christmas?

You’re the biggest asshole and I hope Santa or your mom gives you a War on Christmas. That’s a move I just made up where Santa and/or your mom take a dump in your stocking and when you reach in it’s worse than coal. Can we get that listed on Urban Dictionary, someone who is better at things than me?

Just be glad people said something pleasant to you, because they could have easily stole your wallet and called you a worthless cocksucker and forced you to eat old dog shit on the west side of the driveway in your Grandma’s front yard next to the neighbor’s bushes, you ungrateful fuck. Thing about that next time you want to start an inquisition about something so trivial.

I’m not going to wish you Merry Christmas. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas. It’s that I don’t like you.








Where Is Clive Owen When You Need Him?

I haven’t written much lately because I feel like we are living in a perpetual intro to a political thriller movie starring Clive Owen or Little Tom Cruise or Stath, or some fucking asshole hero here to save the day.

You know?  Where it cuts to news stories and clippings of all the shit that leads up to some scenario requiring a real mother fucker to come in a save the day?

Yeah, still waiting on that. But hey, at least someone assassinated a Russian guy today. That won’t lead to more violence or anything.